This is a post I made on a forum for people like me. 🙂 It was so lengthy and weird I figured it counted as a blog post so I thought I’d post it here, too.
So … I’ve just had an experience (in a game) that would almost lead me to believe that I’m gay. The whole thing has kind of got me confused and I don’t really know what this means for things. I mean, it would definitely change my focus and definitely take some working through as I’d have to chisel away at years of prejudice to come to the truth (again).
I mean, I don’t mind homosexuals … I know lots of homosexuals. I hang out with homosexuals. It’s fine, it’s cute, it’s fun, it makes them happy. Cool, fine. And if ya kinda think about it … I mean … a man is waaaaaay better at knowing what another man wants and the same with women. Women are my best friends, we listen to each other, we empathize, we know where each other are coming from, etc. etc.
I mean, I look at where I am right now and having gone on a few dates with guys and pursued guys I just end up frustrated and upset. I’ve stopped dating because of it. They’re dorks and they just. don’t. understand. women. and it endlessly frustrates me.
Here’s a fun example: a few months ago I had my first stalker, some could-be-my-son-high-school kid followed me home (no, really, he did– traffic does NOT go down this street) and wanted to get my phone number.
I was dating a guy at the time but whoooo did I call? My girl friend. Why? Cause I knew she’d understand and I know my boyfriend would just try to solve the problem and tell me what to do and I’d I’d feel more frustrationg above and beyond the weird experience that had just happened. I figured I was better off telling him later when I’d calmed down a bit and didn’t care what he said about it.
ANYWAY … back to the story:
So I’m playing this game called the Sims 3. The first character I made I mirrored myself and her life ended up being boring because it was just routine. I made sure I stayed on top of her needs and I pursued a career and got her educated, etc. etc. I did stuff that I would do if it were me, basically.
Yawn. So what was the allure of this freaking game? Looks to me like I’m just repeating my stupid @$#% normal life. Like I go to a place of entertainment to mirror what I’m trying to get away from!
I decided to give it another chance on the idea that I just didn’t know how to PLAAAAY it. Which, apparently, I didn’t. The key, the excitement, the randomness, the weirdness, the off-the-wall-WTF-just-happened comes from the flaws.
Ah, OK. Hmmm …
Taking this advice, this time around, I made someone who had more flaws than “good” traits, i.e. was Evil, Hated Art, Insane, etc. I figured the hilarity would ensue once I started insulting people and talking to myself and she could do some random, weird stuff and try to break me out of my little mold.
This is exactly what I/she did for the first 10 minutes of the game. I don’t really remember where I was, a park or something, or how I got there, but my sim put on her bathing suit of her own accord and was laughed at by peoples she’d meet.
I’d also talk or “call over” random men and women and tried to react as randomly as possible, sometimes insulting, sometimes being nice then insulting, talking about my house, job, etc. flirting then insulting … I just kinda wanted to see what would happen when I mixed it all up.
One of the things I did was start flirting with a well-dressed Sim woman. Of course she reacted negatively and this was all part of the fun– pure rejection. I kept complimenting her and trying to hug her and she’d recoil. I figured as soon as I was done making her hate me I’d find her boyfriend and sleep with him and see what happens.
Anyway, I clicked on another “victim” but this time opened up a little tamer than I did with the other woman. I started with asking straight up asked if she was single. I figured it would be a fun, devious plot, maybe she had a boyfriend and she’d make out with me on the park bench and then he’d come over and get pissed then I’d yell at him then we’d do stuff while she was pissed and jealous. Soap opera material, right? I mean, I could write this stuff down and publish novels and when people would ask me, “Where do you get your ideas, Amy?” I’d say, “From the fucking Sims, that’s where.”
So I start queuing up these things and to my surprise … she likes it.
<insert Scooby Do confounded sound here>
OK, fine, a tough nut to crack. So I keep throwing things out there. I mean, she did have super-cute shorts on like I sometimes wear IRL … and she was wearing them with these strappy, black heels, something I would do but can’t get away with ’cause my toes look like @#$% because I have a couple of callouses (I’m workin’ on it).
Looking back I think it was the sheer joy of reciprocation that prodded me forward into unknown territory. I’d do a bunch of flirts, then a hug, then more flirts, so as not to scare her off too quickly … and she reciprocated! My little “+/-” social interaction thingee was like “+” to everything I could dish out.
So at some point I see the “Suggest Going Steady” and I’m thinking, “Hahaha, hysterical … I’m going to get a girlfriend totally by accident.” I started this girl to be an evil, self-serving bitch and there’s some idiot out there who actually likes her … Comedy gold.
But, nope, she took the “Go Steady” thing right in stride and was actually very, very happy about it.
<more Scooby Do confounded noises>
My plans foiled, I decided to take this as far as it would go. A hug here, a compliment here, a kiss here … you’d think she’d get sick of the monotony and tell me to @#$% off! I was determined to fill up that little green bar by her name.
Nope. PlusplusplusPLUSPLUS … nothing but plusses.
Pretty soon I get the, “Propose Marriage” and my sim gets down on her knees and proposes. That should finish her, right? Nope. She accepts. No, not just accepts … is very, very happy about it.
Double-“U” Tee Eff?
Then I’m thinking, “Wow, they’ve gotta like have a ceremony and stuff and invite people and …”
Nope. There’s the “Private Wedding” option right there. So I’m like, “OK, whatever, SUUUURE-ly she’ll think I’m a horrible person since we can’t have a nice, happy wedding. I mean, I would be pissed if someone whom I was dating suggested eloping on the spot by the freaking picnic table.”
Uhhh … nope. I could do. no. wrong in this girl’s eyes. Suddenly, boom– she moves into my house. Boom, it says, “Wife” when I click on her.
Wow. So I come into this game to wreak havoc and end-up married. All the while my other Sim who mirrored me couldn’t even make guys or girls look twice.
Not only is my sim married but they love spending time together.
I quit the game while I was ahead because I’m going down to a father’s day get-together and ten minutes of rolling this around in my head I realized something.
At some point I realized I identified with the sim my sim had married and I was having my sim do to the other sim things that I would want someone to do to me in a relationship.
And all this came from a butch, randomized GIRL. And I thought it was the most wonderful thing in the world.
Now I know you lesbians out there are going, “Duuuuh!” but you have to realize this sort of thing is beyond my realm of possibility in my little universe of life.
Boys date girls, girls like boys, sometimes they mix it up. Fine. And yeah, I’ve been married before, but it was normal right, i.e. a “boy” (even though it was kinda forced/faked) and a “girl.”
And I have to identify as bi-sexual since I have done stuff with boys and girls and my only preference is who kisses better and what I’m in the mood for.
But … lesbian? Actually and purposefully dating another woman? Preposterous!
Until now. What I just went through feels. so. right. It’s comfortable, it feels happy, it feels whole, it feels fulfilling. The thought of a butch woman chatting me up and throwing out hugs and kisses fills me with a tingle, it makes me happy to think about.
Does this mean I’m gay?