So … Mr. Suave (i.e. Cigar-smoking man) fiiiinally came to my door.
At 8:00 this morning.
The brain-dead, half-conscious conversation went something like this.
Amy: Uhhhh … I’m getting ready for work.
James: You’re going to work? Hmmm … well I’m headed to Magna to get some money from a friend but I need gas money.
Amy: Uhhh … I’ve got like … a buck.
James: Anything helps.
Amy: Err … OK, here ya go.
James: Thanks. I’ll pay ya back on Friday.
Now, despite outward appearances, there’s a deeper and very important lesson here. Let me take you now to this bit of juicy, R-rated dialog and tell me if I didn’t make the right choice:
James: Yeah, bitch gave me like a buck for gas.
Anonymous Thug Friend (ATF for short): A buck? That fucken sucks.
James: Yeah, like … what am I going to do with a dollar?
ATF: I know, dude, what the fuck?
James: Yeah, man …
ATF: Dude … dude … I know, dude … we should fucken break into her fucken house and see if she’s fucken got any more fucken money …
James: Naw, man, she’s coo’.
ATF: Seriously, dude … these apartments are so easy to get into …
James: Naw, man … then she won’t put out for me. (laughs)
ATF: You fucken gettin’ some from there?
James: Yeah, man, totally. I’m workin’ on her.
ATF: You’re fucken bonin’ the white chick? Holy shit, dude!
James: Yeah, man, it’s coo’.
ATF: Fucken awesome, dude. I’ll be she fucken makes sounds like …
OKOKOKOKOK, we’ll cut off Anonymous Thug Friend right there before he launches into his drunken descriptive interpretation of the sounds I didn’t make while James didn’t boink me.
Anyway, you get the point. Did you see how I narrowly avoided a B&E (breaking and entering) by simply giving a dollar? James is going to put in a good word with his thug friends and my house will be spared. It’s totally extortion, yes, but of all the extortion that could feasably happen, it’s very cheap extortion. Kind of like getting semi-fast Internet at a not-so-shitty price.