I’ve always thought it would be cool to meet someone online.  If finding someone you’re compatible with comes with repeated exposure to multiple people, i.e. chances are you won’t meet Mr/Mrs Perfect on your first date, then the more you date, the closer you get to finding that someone.

What better place for this to happen than the Internet.  Dating sites could potentially encompass a dating pool of eligible people that extends world-wide.  Hungarians hooking up with Norwegians, Russians hooking up with Africans, Koreans hooking up with Indians … a literal genetic melting-pot.  How cool is that?

Well, too cool to be true, apparently, and our innate and pre-programmed cultural and biological biases screw up the potential usefulness of such a thing.

Basically, if we reeeeeeeally look at the situation, the chances of the man of my dreams contacting me through a dating site are only slightly better than they were without.  Meh.  Since one is greater than zero and it’s not much effort to put these things together, not to mention how much fun it could be to see so many different life situations, I wrote up what I think will be a very effective profile.

I’ll leave it up to you, the reader, to interpret just how much “tongue-in-cheek” is involved.

I’M PROBABLY NOT THE GIRL YOU’RE LOOKING FOR

Hi, there! Thanks for viewing my ad.

Yup, as the title reads, I’m probably not the girl that you’re looking for.

Even casual statistics show us that men I would consider eligible are obeying their instincts to “sew their seeds” and seek out that buxom, barely-legal blonde with 257 Facebook friends.

This means the majority of people who could potentially view my profile, i.e. what you, the reader, are doing now, only got here because they were attracted to various aspects of the way I shot the photo in my thumbnail.

If you still don’t believe me and have made it this far, let me then tell you a bit about myself starting with a few key lifestyle “facts” which I have noticed about myself.

A. I don’t watch TV.

I’ve got nothing against the TV, I just choose not to watch it. The reason is because of all of the previews for television shows that I’ve watched, none of the previews have presented any context that I would potentially find helpful. No, not even on the Discovery Channel.

B. I’m sort of a geek and sort of not.

To me, the computer is a tool. I use it for documenting, archiving, idea generation, and communication. I don’t live in it/on it/virtually/physically, etc.

Luckily for me Blizzard has screwed up WoW to the point that now it’s only fun for about 20 minutes. I can stand Second Life for less than that. I’m not in any chat room, I don’t post on forums, I don’t access IM when I’m not at my desk at work. I don’t post on forums, I don’t watch any threads. I don’t watch re-runs of Stargate, I can’t differentiate between all the Star Trek seasons, let alone uniforms, I do not worship Joss Wheden.

At this point, I’m starting to sound like the female version of Dennis Leary and– though I’d be honored– I’m definitely not even close. I only complain for about 20-minutes or so and move on.

Anyway, if I haven’t lost ya by now for only even the sheer amount of text (TLDR), bless your heart for skimming.

I probably should have said this at the beginning but I wanted to shake out the macho-types who can’t read before dropping this little nugget of C4:

C. I am intelligent. I don’t get along well with the macho type.

Yep, sorry, I love the attention from a guy flirting with me as much as the next person, but I’m not going to play dumb anymore just so I don’t make the other feel upset.

I know what I’m talking about, I know my shit, I’ve lived a well-rounded life, I’ve played all the games, I’m confident, I’m assured, I’m educated, I have a good vocabulary, I am smart, yes, sorry.

No, it’s not like I’m Einstein or anything, but I know way more than most women my age and I’m not afraid to exercise it.

Don’t worry, it’s not like I will give you an SAT or something; if you know how to spell, graduated from high school, and get along well with the public, you pretty much won’t get anything but praise and affection from me.

Speaking of which,

D. I’m affectionate. When I love someone I want to be with them ALL THE TIME.

Let’s put it this way, I won’t call you seven times a day like other girlfriends will, but I will probably call you two or three and yes, one of them is probably emotionally loaded, but at least it’s just one– I’m a big girl and can control myself when little things happen.

I won’t make you turn off football but I will climb all over you and attempt to distract you the entire time. If you’re nearby I most likely have to be touching you in some way or another.

I won’t listen to you complain all night about aspects of your work that you’re too lazy to change, but I will listen for about 30 minutes or so before gently steering you in a more positive direction.

Since we’re on the subject, I might as well say, I’ll listen to positive plans that you’re too lazy to act on for about the same amount of time before pushing you to make and fulfill shorter-term and more realistic and measurable goals.

To expand a little more on the laziness thing,

E. I’m not your mother.

I’m not going to babysit you, I’m not going to comfort you when you stub your toe for the 10th time on the box you’re too lazy to move out of the way, I’m not going to fan your ego, I’m not going to make sure you eat your vegetables and take your medicine.

I do, however, understand you’re busy and will gladly help shuffle a hectic schedule to be more balanced, I will be there in your darkest hour giving you a shoulder massage, and will support you in any honorable task you undertake.

Since all that is more than even I, myself, would want to read, I’ll leave it that and suffice it to say there’s a lot more where that came from.

Quick reality check! Ask yourself what were your gut feelings about my profile and feed the answer into my magical switch/case statement:

switch(viewer.getEmotion().getCurrentState()) {
   case “laughing and saying, I gotta meet this chick”:
      pleaseEmailMe();
   default:
      gotoNextProfile();
}

(References: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2010/02/16/the-case-for-an-older-woman/)

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