Archives for category: Journal

My 5-year-old and I were drawing the other day on scratch paper with fat-tipped Sharpies.

She showed me how to draw asteroids and it gave me a brilliant and sadistic idea.

I drew a town and people, simple, crudely-drawn folk going about their business in a crudely-drawn town. There was even a stick figure with a baby, one who had a suitcase, one who carried goods on the top of her head.

It was a busy, thriving town. Pompei, am I right? I’ll call National Geographic.

Once I was finished, she used her asteroid-drawing skills to decimate the place, i.e. quick drawn lines coming down from the top of the page. I also simulated the screams and death cries of the crudely-drawn inhabitants in the crudely-drawn town to give this whole exercise a dose of silly realism.

She pointed out, too, that the baby got toasted. Even the baby, wow. Ouch. Ruthless, this girl!

The hail of asteroids stopped but the damage had been done. The town was in ruins. To add insult to injury, a volcano popped up out of nowhere and flooded the whole thing with lava. What a disaster.

Not content to extinguish the human race so quickly and brutally, I drew scouting party from a different civilization that came to investigate the damage and possibly take over the land for their own.

Nope– mother nature’s 5-year-old ambassador wouldn’t have it. The asteroids savagely made extinct the scouting party and the lava sealed their tombs.

So I brought in the animals from the nearby plains. In a land devoid of human contamination they roam free across the land!

Nope. Dead. Asteroids and lava. The earth has it out for this part of the world, it seems.

Then, came the coup de grace.

She said, “Wait, now draw God.”

Ugh, I’m like 99% atheist– do we have to bring a god into this? She had attended a Baptist-run daycare for the last two years– I can only assume they slip in God and Jesus references– and there’s no way I’m going to squelch this little skit with no-fun atheism, so I complied. I drew a big, fat Christian God, a white guy in the sky. I even gave him a crown.

She said, “He has to have a mustache.”

Oops, yes, sorry– God is male and has a beard; I forgot.

So I drew some hair on the God floating in the sky above the ravaged, desolate wasteland.

What happened next floored me.

BOOM! The asteroids hit. SWOOSH, the lava hit!

I said, “Oh my god! The asteroids got God! And the lava!”

She said, “Yup, they killed God.”

Wow. Just. Wow.

I had to pause a sec. This had come from a 5-year-old who had attended a Christian day-care and whose grandparents are Mormon. I was convinced that she’d been brainwashed to the point that the Christian God was almighty and omni-everything in her eyes.

Nope. My 5-year-old killed god.

I’m proud of my baby.

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I’m playing on the computer. I hear a knock on my door.

Time passes and I realize my roommate isn’t opening the door. I leave my post, jump up, and run to open it.

It’s the neighbor. Great. She’s done this before. I was ready.

“I’m not playing any music; in fact, my speakers are broken.”

“No, it’s not music, it’s something else. Can you please stop?”

“Uhhh … I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m even wearing headphones. Look, why don’t you even come into my room and see what I’m doing.”

“It sounds like a shooting game.”

“No, I’ve just been playing WoW. In fact, I’ve been sitting idle for the last 10min. So I’m not sure what the noise is.”

“I hate to be a bitch, I just want to sleep.”

“I wish I could help.”

“Well can you please stop?”

“Stop what? Look, next time you come up, please define what it is that’s bugging you so I can help you.”

I didn’t even say goodbye to her as she left. Christ. Sure, I’ll stop. Whatever you say.

They have loud parties here almost every day and me sitting in my room playing WoW is freaking her out. I give up. Really.

This stuff is called Doom Metal.  Give them a play.  This music is best heard while stoned.

http://listen.grooveshark.com/widget.swf

I have an “athletic” build and my weight fluctuates depending on the season, my diet, amount of water I drink. I don’t have a high metabolism but at the same time don’t tend to keep weight on.

I’m past the age where you can eat anything and burn the calories just by breathing but want to maintain my current weight and figure. While I’m not fanatic about it, I do know what has been working for me and I do know how it feels to be uncomfortable with my weight.

For the past few weeks I’ve been feeling better about myself and had more sustainable energy in the normal course of the day than in the last few years and can’t help but think some of it is nutritional.

Breakfast: Pills and Water
Make breakfast any pills you have to take and chug a glass of water with them. It will make you full, help the pills digest, and begin cleaning out anything left over from yesterday.

If you have time or are simply starving, eat Malt-o-meal or Cream of Wheat. Prepare with just a pinch of salt. If you want something more substantial, toast some bread and eat it with peanut butter and jelly.

Note that the toast must be as it’s called, “toast.” The blacker the better. This kills off the remaining active yeast and carbonizes the bread. Carbon is a great “filter” because it seems to bond easily with other elements. It’s anti-gas and is easy to digest.

If you’re coffee-drinker, drink your coffee during this time. The caffeine will not only perk you up and help you get ready for the day but also suppress your appetite.

Between Breakfast and Lunch (4 hrs after waking)
On good-quality whole wheat bread, eat a peanut butter and honey sandwich.

Yes, yes, I know– this isn’t pre-school. My love for elementary-school snacks aside (I’m one of those that actually liked school lunch, from the runny gravy to the mysterious fish sticks masked only by the taste of a tar-tar sauce concoction that would make modern dietitions file a class-action), it’s just something that has to give you energy without screwing up your sugar levels.

I like peanut butter and I’m not allergic so peanuts work great for me. Yes, they’re pretty oily. Yes, it’s like 25% of my daily fat intake, but this is one of those things that just works for me and my physiology. Your mileage may vary. The point is something heavy in proteins and helpful fats, a good source of energy that will last you into the afternoon.

Bread has filled up the bellies of human beings since time begin and now is just as good of a time. We hear all the time that whole wheat bread has more nutritional benefits than white bread, so make it whole wheat.

If I had to rate the importance of meals this one would be near the top, so don’t count pennies on this one. Buy the kind of bread that you’d normally think was “too expensive for bread.” You don’t have to go to a specialty store or anything, though that would be a nice perk; most big-name grocery stores carry different brands of well-made bread.

Last but not least, and one of the key ingredients: honey. I’ve tried many different sugar substitutions and this one works the best for me. I also get the added benefits of the vitamins and nutrients stored in there by the bees. It’s worth learning about on your own how honey is a very amazing substance.

If you’re not into honey there are plenty of substitutes on the market. Note, please, that the body breaks down the sugars in honey differently than it would the “simple sugar” of a potato or brown sugar. Instead of spiking your insulin levels, honey breaks down and releases its sugar slowly. Only buy the sugar substitutes that a diabetic would buy. It must have a prolonged sugar release.

Late-Afternoon Lunch
From our school and our parents we get accustomed to a routine. One of those routines is the idea of eating lunch at 12:00. I don’t have knowledge of the school schedules of any country outside of the US but in 2010, noon isn’t the most productive time to eat.

If you’ve got your snack just right, you’ll arrive at the 2:00 or 3:00 hour starving and ready to eat.

For this meal eat something heavy with proteins. I personally eat red meat but white meat works just as well. Beef is a bit heavier than the others and lasts me on into the evening. It’s also heavy with iron, one of the nutritional elements women commonly lack.

Combine the proteins with something loaded in carbohydrates. The ideal meal, oddly enough, is a burger and fries.

As with all my meals, I don’t drink until I’m finished eating. Any sort of liquid is going to dillute the properties of your saliva. Yes, it sounds gross, but I figured every aspect might be important. And besides, chewing is a frequently over-looked part of the digestion process and worth mentioning in its own right.

If you like to drink soda, keep it less than 16oz of any soft drink. If you like to drink tea this is a great meal for a cup of tea. Drink it “black,” i.e. no sweeteners or milk.

Evening Snacking
If you’ve eating the right proportions, this should carry you well into the evening. Your metabolism has been slowing down since the afternoon and is preparing for hibernation.

After 6:00, all substantial meals are off-limits, especially foods high in carbohydrates. If you feel the urge to eat, snacking on foods that cause you to feel full will curb your cravings. Apples are good for this and I often eat pistachios. Don’t eat too many– just enough for your body to feel satisfied.

Tea (no milk or sweetener) is especially helpful during this time as well. Caffeine and green tea are a diuretic so all the water you’re drinking goes to help flush you out. This is also beneficial if you have a winter cold or any other seasonal sickness.

If you’re like me and have a sweet tooth, have an ice cream sandwich or a cup of yogurt or yogurt-blend ice cream. They all fill you up and don’t have a detrimental amount of calories.  Canned pears and mandarin oranges work great, too.  They both hydrate you, make you feel full, are full of nutrients, and aren’t expensive in simple sugars.

I met somebody recently and she just -clicked- with me.  We’re like sisters.  It’s amazing and I haven’t felt this way for a while.
We’re total opposites, too, which makes us– in my mind– an even better pairing.  She’s outgoing and flirtatious and I’m cold and unforgiving.  We have different tastes in men, too.  Were we to go to a club, she’d get all the guys and I’d have her leftovers for days, which suits me just fine.  She talks to them and I can determine whether or not I can stand them for more than 10 seconds.
There’s a problem, though.  I see that I can grow feelings for her.  I already have a little bit; not near enough to make any sort of difference or even hurt were she to go away forever but enough to cause me a bit of distress.
Last night I sat up and analyzed my feelings.  Yep, I -am- attracted to her.  Yep, I -would- like to develop those feelings and see what happens and how life works out.
Here are the problems:
1. She’s a girl.  It’s kind of hard to imagine myself with a girl.  Maybe somebody butch but I get along way, way, WAY better w/guys and think it would work out in the long run MUCH better.
2. She’s a sex worker.  This is really the kicker but not in the way you’d think.  No, it’s not jealousy– I seriously don’t care and I’d even love to participate in her “work” sometimes.
No, instead, it’s vying for her attention.  Since she makes men pay her for sex, when -I- want to be affectionate, I feel like I have to “schedule” time with her.  That or I feel like I’m suddenly just another client.  I mean, when someone usually puts their hands on her it’s out of LUST, not LOVE, and mixing the two in the same space seems to cause unrest in my mind.
Anyway, I dunno if I’ll tell her any of this.  The whole thing has just kind of caught me by surprise and things like that become blog entries.

I met somebody recently and she just clicked with me.  We’re like sisters.  It’s amazing and I haven’t felt this way for a while.

We’re total opposites, too, which makes us– in my mind– an even better pairing.  She’s outgoing and flirtatious and I’m cold and unforgiving.  We have different tastes in men, too.  Were we to go to a club, she’d get all the guys and I’d have her leftovers for days, which suits me just fine.  She talks to them and I can determine whether or not I can stand them for more than 10 seconds.

There’s a problem, though.  I see that I can grow feelings for her.  I already have a little bit; not near enough to make any sort of difference or even hurt were she to go away forever but enough to cause me a bit of distress.

Last night I sat up and analyzed my feelings.  Yep, I -am- attracted to her.  Yep, I -would- like to develop those feelings and see what happens and how life works out.

Here are the problems:

1. She’s a girl.  It’s kind of hard to imagine myself with a girl.  Maybe somebody butch but I get along way, way, WAY better w/guys and think it would work out in the long run MUCH better.

2. She’s a sex worker.  This is really the kicker but not in the way you’d think.  No, it’s not jealousy– I seriously don’t care and I’d even love to participate in her “work” sometimes.

No, instead, it’s vying for her attention.  Since she makes men pay her for sex, when I want to be affectionate, I feel like I have to “schedule” time with her.  That or I feel like I’m suddenly just another client.  I mean, when someone usually puts their hands on her it’s out of LUST, not LOVE, and mixing the two in the same space seems to cause unrest in my mind.

Anyway, I dunno if I’ll tell her any of this.  The whole thing has just kind of caught me by surprise and things like that become blog entries.

I’ve always thought it would be cool to meet someone online.  If finding someone you’re compatible with comes with repeated exposure to multiple people, i.e. chances are you won’t meet Mr/Mrs Perfect on your first date, then the more you date, the closer you get to finding that someone.

What better place for this to happen than the Internet.  Dating sites could potentially encompass a dating pool of eligible people that extends world-wide.  Hungarians hooking up with Norwegians, Russians hooking up with Africans, Koreans hooking up with Indians … a literal genetic melting-pot.  How cool is that?

Well, too cool to be true, apparently, and our innate and pre-programmed cultural and biological biases screw up the potential usefulness of such a thing.

Basically, if we reeeeeeeally look at the situation, the chances of the man of my dreams contacting me through a dating site are only slightly better than they were without.  Meh.  Since one is greater than zero and it’s not much effort to put these things together, not to mention how much fun it could be to see so many different life situations, I wrote up what I think will be a very effective profile.

I’ll leave it up to you, the reader, to interpret just how much “tongue-in-cheek” is involved.

I’M PROBABLY NOT THE GIRL YOU’RE LOOKING FOR

Hi, there! Thanks for viewing my ad.

Yup, as the title reads, I’m probably not the girl that you’re looking for.

Even casual statistics show us that men I would consider eligible are obeying their instincts to “sew their seeds” and seek out that buxom, barely-legal blonde with 257 Facebook friends.

This means the majority of people who could potentially view my profile, i.e. what you, the reader, are doing now, only got here because they were attracted to various aspects of the way I shot the photo in my thumbnail.

If you still don’t believe me and have made it this far, let me then tell you a bit about myself starting with a few key lifestyle “facts” which I have noticed about myself.

A. I don’t watch TV.

I’ve got nothing against the TV, I just choose not to watch it. The reason is because of all of the previews for television shows that I’ve watched, none of the previews have presented any context that I would potentially find helpful. No, not even on the Discovery Channel.

B. I’m sort of a geek and sort of not.

To me, the computer is a tool. I use it for documenting, archiving, idea generation, and communication. I don’t live in it/on it/virtually/physically, etc.

Luckily for me Blizzard has screwed up WoW to the point that now it’s only fun for about 20 minutes. I can stand Second Life for less than that. I’m not in any chat room, I don’t post on forums, I don’t access IM when I’m not at my desk at work. I don’t post on forums, I don’t watch any threads. I don’t watch re-runs of Stargate, I can’t differentiate between all the Star Trek seasons, let alone uniforms, I do not worship Joss Wheden.

At this point, I’m starting to sound like the female version of Dennis Leary and– though I’d be honored– I’m definitely not even close. I only complain for about 20-minutes or so and move on.

Anyway, if I haven’t lost ya by now for only even the sheer amount of text (TLDR), bless your heart for skimming.

I probably should have said this at the beginning but I wanted to shake out the macho-types who can’t read before dropping this little nugget of C4:

C. I am intelligent. I don’t get along well with the macho type.

Yep, sorry, I love the attention from a guy flirting with me as much as the next person, but I’m not going to play dumb anymore just so I don’t make the other feel upset.

I know what I’m talking about, I know my shit, I’ve lived a well-rounded life, I’ve played all the games, I’m confident, I’m assured, I’m educated, I have a good vocabulary, I am smart, yes, sorry.

No, it’s not like I’m Einstein or anything, but I know way more than most women my age and I’m not afraid to exercise it.

Don’t worry, it’s not like I will give you an SAT or something; if you know how to spell, graduated from high school, and get along well with the public, you pretty much won’t get anything but praise and affection from me.

Speaking of which,

D. I’m affectionate. When I love someone I want to be with them ALL THE TIME.

Let’s put it this way, I won’t call you seven times a day like other girlfriends will, but I will probably call you two or three and yes, one of them is probably emotionally loaded, but at least it’s just one– I’m a big girl and can control myself when little things happen.

I won’t make you turn off football but I will climb all over you and attempt to distract you the entire time. If you’re nearby I most likely have to be touching you in some way or another.

I won’t listen to you complain all night about aspects of your work that you’re too lazy to change, but I will listen for about 30 minutes or so before gently steering you in a more positive direction.

Since we’re on the subject, I might as well say, I’ll listen to positive plans that you’re too lazy to act on for about the same amount of time before pushing you to make and fulfill shorter-term and more realistic and measurable goals.

To expand a little more on the laziness thing,

E. I’m not your mother.

I’m not going to babysit you, I’m not going to comfort you when you stub your toe for the 10th time on the box you’re too lazy to move out of the way, I’m not going to fan your ego, I’m not going to make sure you eat your vegetables and take your medicine.

I do, however, understand you’re busy and will gladly help shuffle a hectic schedule to be more balanced, I will be there in your darkest hour giving you a shoulder massage, and will support you in any honorable task you undertake.

Since all that is more than even I, myself, would want to read, I’ll leave it that and suffice it to say there’s a lot more where that came from.

Quick reality check! Ask yourself what were your gut feelings about my profile and feed the answer into my magical switch/case statement:

switch(viewer.getEmotion().getCurrentState()) {
   case “laughing and saying, I gotta meet this chick”:
      pleaseEmailMe();
   default:
      gotoNextProfile();
}

(References: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2010/02/16/the-case-for-an-older-woman/)

I’ve had to accept the fact recently that I’m not 100% atheist.

Imagine, if you will, a tranquil art piece: a beautiful woman gracefully posed, a child in her hands.

Got it? Now, let’s take it apart.

Right or wrong, dividing the two figures into separate entities makes this easy. We have the mother and her child. The mother– by virtue of simply having had the experience of growing something inside of her– will -always- be a mother and her creation will -always- be her child.

The child, however, by virtue of having human DNA and some sort of “spirit” or “life force” inject into it is his/her own person and over a span of time will grow and be quite and completely independent of his/her mother.

Thirty years in the future, that child will -still- be the child of the mother but also a -completely- independent organism at the same time— and that’s the kicker right there. How can it be -two- things at the same time?

Let’s take another example: death. My grandmother has approached and will now slowly pass 80 years old. If the average human lifespan is the indication of number of years her body will be capable of functioning and keeping itself alive, she’s on her proverbial “last leg.”

I’d also like to mention that the body was programmed to have a limited lifespan. If the DNA did not have the information to stop rebuilding the organism you could potetially life for a very, very long time. There is absolutely no reason why you couldn’t.

Putting ourself in her shoes for a moment, let’s imagine that we’re sleeping and our body just “gives out.” What happens at this point? What does the consciousness do? Does the brain realize it’s dead? Does the life force– upon disconnecting from a non-functioning human body– seek out another vessel? What is consciousness like without being attached to a human brain?

All of these are great questions with -great- answers. Only problem? My brain can’t compute them.

“Whoa, what’s that,” you say? “A limitation? I don’t think so.” Well, uh, yeah– I do think so. Try to get your old AT&T PC 6300 cranking out the graphics to Resident Evil 5. Try to get one of those room-size computers of the 60s to generate the calculations needed to do the special effects of the movie 300.

It can’t be done. It just can’t. be. done.

A limitation isn’t good or bad. It’s to be recognized and lived with. My limitation is the computational power of my brain.

Sure, my “spirit” or “life force” can [i]sense[/i] things, but it surely doesn’t help to compute or understand answers to questions I have. The questions are simple. The answers are too complicated.

So what does this mean? It means that– if I really live by my own belief system– I can no longer deny the existence of a higher power. I’m not going to call it “God,” a term that’s overused and misapplied, but I will call it a higher power until I have more information.

Which might not be until I upgrade my brain.

Another great example of the lack of my brain’s power to understand is the infinite (“eternal,” of you’re LDS) nature of things. My brain was wired to have a start and a stop. The physical world doesn’t work that way. Yes, things start and stop, but on that stop’s tails is a new start. Forever.

Whoa.

Time to stop this post and start work again.