London, England, back when chloroformed bugs with pins in their spines, hairsprayed perfectly in a frame were a big deal. Cars you cranked and prayed that it wasn’t too humid for the sparks to ignite the fuel and get the engine running.

While a total stereotype– laughable one, even, but one that the British, themselves embrace in comedies like Black Adder– the Brits think that every little shit they take is an amazing discovery. So you conquered nations, subjected them to your laws, grew bloated and overwhelmed with your greed, and then ended up distilled down to a tiny little country known for it’s pop music and sarcastic comedy.

Meanwhile, the inhabitants of the countries you tried to change to be like you finally got to take back over their country and fuck it up like only human beings can. And you even setup an assembly to help them do it, an organization that wastes enough money to make many people very rich (are you guys hiring?).

And I’m related to you guys.

Blessing. Something above and beyond the normal functioning of things. Something you got when you normally would not have gotten something. Something you received because you focused your energy on it.

I wish to marry a man like Henry Rollins.

Housewife Accidentally Discovers Diet Secret!

A housewife from Provo, Utah, discovers the secret to a bugger bust, smaller hips, and more shapely behind.

“I was so tired of all of all the dieting fads. I reasoned that life was simple and there had to be a simpler way, a way that nature intended. So I found it– by accident!” — Amy F., founder, CEO, and President of Ez-Fitlol, LLC.

And there is! Don’t be fooled by all of the diets out there that show you a picture of a slim person but can’t really back up their product with facts.

The Secret of the Secret

There is one, simple secret to dieting and you don’t need to subscribe to anyone’s idea of doing things. That secret is: your body knows!

Haven’t you ever noticed that sometimes your stomach gets bigger and you wish it went to your boobs? Or your arms got bigger and wished it would come off of your behind?

There’s a reason for that!

It’s not just WHAT you eat, it’s WHEN you eat.

It All Depends on the Cycle

As a woman, our bodies go through certain cycles (and I’m not just talking about menstruation). Where our body deposits fat depends on these cycles.

For example, when your body is gearing for pregnancy, it deposits fat all over. When you are ovulating, your body is depositing fat elsewhere.

So depending on what you eat and how much your body stores will determine the extent to how much weight you gain in a specific spot.

Now, break down the usual month-long cycle into a daily cycle. At certain times of day your body is processing and storing fat on specific parts of your body. Time those out right and you’ll increase your bra size by 30% and reduce your tummy size by 25%.

* The FDA has not endorsed these claims at all. But WTF do they know, they’re owned by the big pharmacaeuticals. Oops, did I write that?

What is it about anonymity that makes people such douchebags?

It’s tantamount to throwing insults while driving. Everyone who is 16 or older is guilty of that. When we no longer have the consequence of seeing our target face-to-face they’re no longer a real person and are simply an electronic avatar that can’t physically hurt you.

A character in a virtual universe is essentially anonymity; you have only have a made-up name. It is difficult– if not impossible– for the average person to have the know-how to trace communications on a private server back to the originating computer let alone physically find that person, look them in the eye, and tell them how disappointed their mother would be (they may not even care– I know I don’t) and how you pray daily to Jesus Christ and Allah that people close to them contract debilitating and incurable cancer.

It must boil down to the fact that– simply put– people are shit. That one percent DNA difference that gives us the advantage in the technology race over apes is … well … simply that. One percent advantage.

Greed, avarice, jealousy, self-absorption, and … douchebaggery toward fellow symbiotes … weren’t a part of that one percent.

I’m playing on the computer. I hear a knock on my door.

Time passes and I realize my roommate isn’t opening the door. I leave my post, jump up, and run to open it.

It’s the neighbor. Great. She’s done this before. I was ready.

“I’m not playing any music; in fact, my speakers are broken.”

“No, it’s not music, it’s something else. Can you please stop?”

“Uhhh … I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m even wearing headphones. Look, why don’t you even come into my room and see what I’m doing.”

“It sounds like a shooting game.”

“No, I’ve just been playing WoW. In fact, I’ve been sitting idle for the last 10min. So I’m not sure what the noise is.”

“I hate to be a bitch, I just want to sleep.”

“I wish I could help.”

“Well can you please stop?”

“Stop what? Look, next time you come up, please define what it is that’s bugging you so I can help you.”

I didn’t even say goodbye to her as she left. Christ. Sure, I’ll stop. Whatever you say.

They have loud parties here almost every day and me sitting in my room playing WoW is freaking her out. I give up. Really.