My 5-year-old and I were drawing the other day on scratch paper with fat-tipped Sharpies.
She showed me how to draw asteroids and it gave me a brilliant and sadistic idea.
I drew a town and people, simple, crudely-drawn folk going about their business in a crudely-drawn town. There was even a stick figure with a baby, one who had a suitcase, one who carried goods on the top of her head.
It was a busy, thriving town. Pompei, am I right? I’ll call National Geographic.
Once I was finished, she used her asteroid-drawing skills to decimate the place, i.e. quick drawn lines coming down from the top of the page. I also simulated the screams and death cries of the crudely-drawn inhabitants in the crudely-drawn town to give this whole exercise a dose of silly realism.
She pointed out, too, that the baby got toasted. Even the baby, wow. Ouch. Ruthless, this girl!
The hail of asteroids stopped but the damage had been done. The town was in ruins. To add insult to injury, a volcano popped up out of nowhere and flooded the whole thing with lava. What a disaster.
Not content to extinguish the human race so quickly and brutally, I drew scouting party from a different civilization that came to investigate the damage and possibly take over the land for their own.
Nope– mother nature’s 5-year-old ambassador wouldn’t have it. The asteroids savagely made extinct the scouting party and the lava sealed their tombs.
So I brought in the animals from the nearby plains. In a land devoid of human contamination they roam free across the land!
Nope. Dead. Asteroids and lava. The earth has it out for this part of the world, it seems.
Then, came the coup de grace.
She said, “Wait, now draw God.”
Ugh, I’m like 99% atheist– do we have to bring a god into this? She had attended a Baptist-run daycare for the last two years– I can only assume they slip in God and Jesus references– and there’s no way I’m going to squelch this little skit with no-fun atheism, so I complied. I drew a big, fat Christian God, a white guy in the sky. I even gave him a crown.
She said, “He has to have a mustache.”
Oops, yes, sorry– God is male and has a beard; I forgot.
So I drew some hair on the God floating in the sky above the ravaged, desolate wasteland.
What happened next floored me.
BOOM! The asteroids hit. SWOOSH, the lava hit!
I said, “Oh my god! The asteroids got God! And the lava!”
She said, “Yup, they killed God.”
Wow. Just. Wow.
I had to pause a sec. This had come from a 5-year-old who had attended a Christian day-care and whose grandparents are Mormon. I was convinced that she’d been brainwashed to the point that the Christian God was almighty and omni-everything in her eyes.
Nope. My 5-year-old killed god.
I’m proud of my baby.