I have friends on Facebook: people I’ve met, people I’ve barely met, people who know me only through other people and random wall posts.

Let’s get one thing straight, too, before I continue: I’m not one of those people who have 500 friends, a number of people I can’t possibly know. No, I like to keep it more intimate; I like to actually know the people or be getting to know, in the case of my half-sisters and brothers.

When I look at the “Live News” feed, i.e. shit my Facebook “friends” post, I am able to read what my barely-friends have posted. More often than not, I completely, 100% disagree with what they have to say.

Now hang on, there, before you jump in and say, “Disagreement is good,” that’s not what I’m saying. I’m on your side on that one: disagreement is good. I love counter-opinions and diversity. Unfortunately, I like facts, too, but that’s another discussion.

Anyway, I’m cool with you saying, “Jesus saves … ’cause he called me on my fucking cell and I gave him your number.”

Holy shit! Jesus is going to call me? Bad-ass. I’ll be ready for the motherfucker. THAT I can deal with.

No, it’s not just disagree, it’s something stronger. It would be like friend-ing a Mormon and having to see her posts about salvation and baptism show up on the list and blight my eyeballs, take away brain CPU and storage.

I completely, 100% uninterested in anything Jesus- or Mormon-related and furthermore don’t wish to have the slightest bit of text mentioning either of the above contaminating my wall. Why should I? It’s my fucking wall. I want it graced with profanity, sadism, hedonism, loneliness, cynicism, antagonism, chaos… you know, real life.

Now let’s get down to the meat and potatoes. The people I’m talking about aren’t Mormons. I don’t think I have any Mormons as Facebook “friends,” as a matter of fact. (Oh, wait, I do, but they don’t sell me their shit and they’re family.)

No, the people I’m talking about are … drum roll … vegans and animal activists. Boom, I said it.

“What’s wrong with veganism?” you may ask. “What’s wrong with animal activism?” you may inquire.

I will tell you.

Right now in Pakistan* there are MILLIONS of families displaced from their homes. Let’s reiterate. MILLIONS.

Imagine an announcement to EVERYONE in Salt Lake City saying, “Motherfuck, you guys gotta move. Leave WHEREVER you are, whatever you’re doing, and go to some tent in Ogden.”

Wait a sec … leave EVERYTHING behind? My computer? My internet? My food? My water? My toiletries? My makeup? My clothes? My shoes? My weird Pho-like soup I have to eat everyday for lunch?

Yes, every-fucking-thing.

People got evacuated in Provo the other day because of a natural gas leak. They spent the night in a school.

OK, that’s inconvenient, how about ALL of Provo for A MONTH.

Is my point clear? This is some serious, serious business. If you value yours or someone else’s life at all you’ll realize the enormity of what’s happening.

But no, you can’t imagine it, can you? Because you’re too busy trying to save kitties from being rolled around in a dryer.

Guess what … I’d kill 50 kitties, drink their blood, and smear it over my naked body if I could get ONE Pakistani* family back into their home, back to their possessions, back to their way of life.

Fuck kitties, fuck doggies, what about PEOPLE? What about other humans? Your brothers and sisters are STARVING, dying of disease, being killed by their own leaders, and suffering all manner of INHUMAN experiences.

And you are concerned that the kitties in the animal shelter haven’t been adopted.

I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want it on my wall. I feel awful for rejecting people as a friend on Facebook but Jesus F. Christ if animal rights isn’t akin to Jehova’s Witnesses telling me I’m going to hell and bombarding my house with their stupid magazine then I don’t know what it is.

Remove friend. Remove me if you want to, I’d appreciate it.

* Pakistan = flooded.